... a couple of short breaths.

The email says: results have been posted. Go to the applicant log in page to find out. I logged in incorrectly twice ... and then was afraid I was going to get locked out and have to wait for the snail mail acceptance / rejection letter.

It's not just: Did I get in?

It's: Is there something better for me out there?
It's: Am I stronger and better than the past 2 years?
It's: Has the work I've been doing for the past 8 years accumulated to anything?
It's: My Lord, I've told a lot of people I've applied.
It's: Does God really have a plan for a life I barely recognize anymore?

It's: Yes.

It's: Congratulations.

It's: Get ready for more change.

It's: Thankful. So incredibly thankful.
... I am so very peaceful I think my soul will burst from quietness. And that is a very good feeling.

Right now, I'm blogging.

But as I'm blogging, before and after, I'm cooking my dinner of fish and asparagus. I'm reading The New Yorker. And I'm drinking a glass of Sangria.

For reasons that completely escape me, I'm not focused on how I missed my exercise class because I got caught up at work. I'm not thinking about that Very Hard Family Meeting I will have to have tomorrow at the Child Welfare office. I am not thinking about why I still haven't heard about graduate school yet. I am not worried that the steroid shots I've been receiving are not working on my frozen shoulder.

{These are things I normally think about.}

Instead, I am thinking about much I love fish, asparagus and Sangria. I am thinking about how completely and totally in love with my three month old roommate I am and how I get to have her all to myself this Saturday. I am thinking about a lovely trip to Calgary I will be taking this fall with a dear friend. I am concentrated on the breeze that's coming from the open door and settling on my bare legs.

It's happy.
... just keeping waiting.  Below is a rather well
written letter from the grad school in question.
I don't fault them. I just need to be patient.
Too bad being patient takes so much time ...


As you know, the admission decisions for fall
2009 will be made soon.
I have created this \
temporary listserv to communicate with you between

now and when the results of the admission review
process will be made

We have received several calls from applicants
wanting to know the
status of their application.
We ask that you wait until the admission

results will be made available to all which we
advised applicants
would be in late April.

This year we will post admission decisions to
the applicant
login/status page that many of you
have used. That way you will have

the results as soon as the decisions have been made.

As soon as a firm date is known I will be sending
an update with the
date that the admission results
will be posted to your individual,

confidential accounts on our secured server.

Until then we ask that you hang in there and hold the calls.
Decisions have not been made yet and cannot be given out
over the phone.

Best wishes,

Graduate School.

{so some of this was edited to remove
personal email addresses.
i just keeping waiting.}
... acceptance or rejection is absolutely ridiculous.

And completely terrifying.

And apparently all consuming. I used to do other things than obsess about this.

If I get in, I have to figure out how to pay for out of state, graduate tuition. I have to figure out how to move to a city I can't afford to live in. I have to move all of my belongings one state down and almost one complete state over. And I get to own it. I get to own the fact that I made it into a highly competitive program.

{I have to learn how to use public transportation ...}

And if I don't get in? If I don't get in, I have to own it. I have to tell people I didn't get it in. I have to face it myself. I have to live here for at least another year, in a town that continually breaks my heart and disappoints me, before I can apply again and apply to more than one school.

I check the mailbox every day. Its own religion. If it's a little early in the day, I check it twice, just in case the mailman was running late. I check my email at work 30 billion times a day - quickly in and out - waiting for the "we sent the letters out" notice. I answer The Question with, "No ... no, haven't heard back yet."

Just like most things, the not knowing is the hardest part. How do you prepare for what you don't know?