... now.
That would be a big, long breath I've been holding all day long. Dependency court was a tense, odd thing today. Crazy twists and turns. Upset judges. I'm so glad it's over. {This is one of the things I miss most about being married ~ having someone to come home to and debrief with, even if we don't talk specifics.}
But I'm home, now, with a long, luxurious evening stretched out before me. Even my toes are starting to relax! No waiting tables, no long hours at job #1, no plans to hang out with any dear friends. Nothing, nada, zip. I get to cook a decent meal, catch up on some reading and may even get to some writing tonight too. What will I DO with all my time?
What I maybe / perhaps / there's a chance / sounds like a good idea to me / is do some work on my graduate school application essay. That's right. I think I've finally made a decision. For the past several months, there have been many valid, perfectly good options colliding in my head, each one trying to knock the others out. Many of you will remember that a year and a half ago I had passed all my Oregon Teaching Licensure tests because I had planned to go back and get a Masters in Teaching. That was a GREAT plan. I was married to an educator, I LOVE reading and writing and helping students read and write, and we had BIG plans to move overseas and teach English. A good plan, indeed.
Only ... it didn't work out. And ... after the divorce, the public school system left a sour taste in my mouth. {Good reasons for this.} Only, the darling graduate school wouldn't pull my admission. They've continued to extend my enrollment, and I've continued to let them. Wouldn't want to throw the option away until I was sure of what I wanted to do ...
... and it's been a difficult decision! That first year after the divorce, I had NO idea what I wanted to do. I thought again about teaching, I thought about massage therapy school, I thought about changing jobs, I thought about going to school at Bethel in Redding, California. I had a LOT of ideas with NO direction. But it was so exciting when God released me to start DREAMING about these things again ... I really had to get it in my heart and soul that He does, in fact, have a most perfect plan for me and that it is VERY good and in it I am VERY happy.
This, my friends, as you well know, is easy to get in your head, and very hard to believe for yourself.
But after much praying and thinking and talking to the dear lady from my church who's been helping me {ok, ok. I'm seeing a professional counselor and have been since July 07 ...), I've narrowed it down.
This winter I'll be applying to a Master in Social Work program with an emphasis in Mental Health. In the next state down. At the ONLY school in the state that has an accredited program. Leave it to me to make things hard on myself ... they get 500 applications every year and accept 150.
Wow.
Hopefully with 8 {8! Am I really that old?!} years of experience and FANTASTIC letters of reference, I'll have a window of opportunity.
I'll tell you what, though. I'm so ready to work with kiddos on a therapeautic level rather than a systems advocacy level. I have this need, you see, to really get into their minds and hearts. If they let me, of course.
You know what else?
I'm planning to do this school and this move (acceptance pending, of course) ... with no plan for a job or an immediate place to live. This is SO taking a chance for me. It's an entirely new way of thinking, in fact. School first and then piece work together as it comes. For me, that's faith.
I'm a budgets and numbers person.
But I'm just not worried.
But I do want to take FULL advantage of this lovely night that's beckoning me, so I'll leave it at that. ;)
... set squarely in the middle of a crown-to-be. The one day crown that I'm working towards now.
Again, I found myself at the birthday party of a one year old. Sigh. I have yet to go to one that something random and disturbing did not happen at. No fault to the birthday boys or girls.
My dining companion across the table turned out to be the close colleague of Former Husband.
We figured this out quickly.
And oh, the beautiful things I said, gentle gracious tender, lovingly about Former Husband, knowing full well that Colleague had no idea why the marriage ended. Knowing full well that Colleague had the "your fault" look in his eyes.
Gentle gracious tender. Surprisingly, also, genuine.
I woke up this morning feeling grateful for this moment this day this life. I'll take these feelings of thankfulness over the alternative (!) any day.
... I'm admitting this out loud, but ...
I'm blogging right now to try to get away from the accusatory voices of the presidential debate on t.v. I know, I know. I should be more involved. I should care. I will vote (thanks, ladies of the early 20th century, who helped the rest of us ladies have the opportunity to vote).
But after days of angry parents and angry social workers, I just don't like the intensity. I'll read it in the paper tomorrow.
The highlight of my social work this week was playing with a precious, blond two year old girl, who held my hands, jumped up and down on her "big girl" bed and wanted to sing "Row, row, row, your boat."
This meant that Lisa sings the song, and Little Girl sings, "row, row, row, row, row, row, row." Foster Adopt Mom, who didn't mind a smidge that Little Girl was using her bed as a trampoline, smiled gently. On a whim I asked Little Girl where her mom was and her eyes got huge, her smile bright and she squealed and pointed to Foster Adopt Mom.
Thanks, Foster Adopt Mom. You've done a good job and I've got a beautifully adjusted and attached girly-kins on my caseload. I don't worry about this Little One when I go home at night. ;)
... about being cheeky when you're elderly.
I had just brought Mrs. A. her dessert to finish off her meal. As I was wiping off a nearby table, I asked her if she had had a good day today. She assured me that, yes, she had. It had been so very relaxing and she had spent most of the day reading.
I asked her what she had been reading and she mentioned something about a guarded tower and a queen.
"How exciting," I said.
"Oh, yes. It is. In fact, when I came down for dinner, they were just about ready to ..."
and she drops her voice to a whisper and leans over her strawberries
"... copulate."
Serving dinner always brings the unexpected. Always. ;)
In other non related news, the boy and I have decided that while we are very fond of each other, it is not going to work. A successful courtship - we know that we are not meant for each other. Of course this would happen right as I decide to write about it, but that's ok.
My life can also be exciting. ;)
so many good things lately.
~ a new part time job, waiting tables and serving dinner to the elderly at a cafe in an assisted living village. the result? so very many sweet requests, like, could you please cut my brussel sprouts in two? ~ and ~ please, please blend my spinach, and when you think it's blended, please blend it some more. this is three nights a week for just a few hours. God is really and truly using this season in my life to teach me about what it really means to serve others and truly put others before me.
~ a soon to happen visit from a very dear blogging friend from back in the MSN days. {soon as she should be here in about 30 minutes.} what an unbelievable thing to have mrs. ronna so close {just two and a half hours away.} she has been amazing over the course of this past year and is one of those women that helped give a piece of myself back.
~ a wonderful labor day camping trip out on the lake. three days of too much food, several naps, countless wipeouts on the knee boards and one fantasy football draft. {right. didn't so much take part in the last one.}
~ a new boy, who's actually been around for a few months now. an old friend who has been patiently courting and patiently waiting. we pray a lot about this. part of me would like to carefully scrutinize every tiny part of the newness of us to ensure that i really, really won't get hurt. but i know that's really, really not possible, so we pray. and pray. and go so slowly. but he's a good thing.
have i said it before? thanks, God, for You. i see You. see You everywhere.
.... and kissed the receptionist at my insurance company.
no kidding.
i had had 20 minutes to kill in between appointments and thought i'd run to the other side of town to change my last name on my insurance policy. {yes, it's taken awhile. it's been hard for me to do. but lately i've had a little extra motivation - hopefully i'll be able to blog about it soon - to get all the everything i have changed back to my real name.}
but the receptionist.
i told her what i needed.
she said ok.
she pulled up my information. typed a little and then looked over at me and asked, "marriage or reclaiming a maiden name?" and the corners around her eyes got a little soft and a little understanding.
and that is the kindest way i have heard it put yet.
seriously?
really?
it's really ONLY Wednesday?
can I trade in this week for a newer version?
this week i have:
been fighting the flu ... taken a second job ... been battling the hospital to schedule a CPR class ... flown {figuratively} to a rural community {twice} for emergency meetings {and one time flew back over wheat fields to be sure to be in time for a CPR class -- that didn't happen} ... had a somewhat frustrating meeting with my pastors {my fault, not theirs} ... been trying to find a puppeteer for kids church this Sunday and coming up short due to Men's Camp also happening this weekend ... cried in court because the foster family adopting the developmentally delayed girl is just entirely too loving for words ... patiently listened to former husband explain to me exactly when and how he wanted his monthly check ... watched my house get messier and messier ... ruined a blackberry cobbler :( ... and have had an overabundance of absolute lying on the part of my clients - the adult ones.
big fat sigh and insert small temper tantrum here.
but i don't want to leave you on a sour note.
this week, i have also:
... had a productive chiropracter's appointment {chronic, not so cheery pain in my upper back made worse by, yup, you guessed it, stress} ... gotten most of my laundry done ... had one or two very relaxing moments in the backyard with a cup of tea ... seen one of my adult clients follow through with disciplining her 6 year old {trust me, this is a big victory} ... and drawn silly pictures with a 5 year old client of his family {one eyeball bigger than the other, swirly necks, feathers instead of hair}.
ok.
it can still get better from here, right?
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