understanding (n.)

... this weekend is spring release wine tasting. {Although, I very much think this is what I should be doing.}

Vineyard town is stuffed to the gills with tourists, but I, ha ha, I know the out of sight, tucked away, treasure cellars to visit during this busy weekend. Maybe I'll come back for fall barrel tasting.

Instead of sampling the cabs, merlots, syrahs, ... I will be waiting tables, teaching Sunday School, making a hurried trip down to Oregon to see my dad (who is sick, again, this time with heart failure), and hurrying back for an extra shift at the restaurant. It is the weekend that is not a weekend and the busy-ness will resume bright and early Monday morning when I draft a response to a Very Unhappy Letter I received from an area counselor (a letter that degraded the system for not returning some foster children home to some biological parents. A letter written, unfortunately, without any collateral information about this family in question). It's fine. I'm just not a person people want to mess with when it comes to children's safety.

To balance this out with some good news, however, I have had one case successfully end in reunification recently (yay!) and another little guy be adopted (yay again!). Kids in foster care breaks my heart. They so need permanent families.

And I'll continue to hope for good news for my dad. He sees the specialist this week, so hopefully we'll know a little bit more about his heart condition. He man's been continually ill, with something or another, for the past several years, but he continues to hang in there.

... a couple of short breaths.

The email says: results have been posted. Go to the applicant log in page to find out. I logged in incorrectly twice ... and then was afraid I was going to get locked out and have to wait for the snail mail acceptance / rejection letter.

It's not just: Did I get in?

It's: Is there something better for me out there?
It's: Am I stronger and better than the past 2 years?
It's: Has the work I've been doing for the past 8 years accumulated to anything?
It's: My Lord, I've told a lot of people I've applied.
It's: Does God really have a plan for a life I barely recognize anymore?

It's: Yes.

It's: Congratulations.

It's: Get ready for more change.

It's: Thankful. So incredibly thankful.

... I am so very peaceful I think my soul will burst from quietness. And that is a very good feeling.

Right now, I'm blogging.

But as I'm blogging, before and after, I'm cooking my dinner of fish and asparagus. I'm reading The New Yorker. And I'm drinking a glass of Sangria.

For reasons that completely escape me, I'm not focused on how I missed my exercise class because I got caught up at work. I'm not thinking about that Very Hard Family Meeting I will have to have tomorrow at the Child Welfare office. I am not thinking about why I still haven't heard about graduate school yet. I am not worried that the steroid shots I've been receiving are not working on my frozen shoulder.

{These are things I normally think about.}

Instead, I am thinking about much I love fish, asparagus and Sangria. I am thinking about how completely and totally in love with my three month old roommate I am and how I get to have her all to myself this Saturday. I am thinking about a lovely trip to Calgary I will be taking this fall with a dear friend. I am concentrated on the breeze that's coming from the open door and settling on my bare legs.

It's happy.

... just keeping waiting.  Below is a rather well
written letter from the grad school in question. 
I don't fault them. I just need to be patient. 
Too bad being patient takes so much time ...

Hello!

As you know, the admission decisions for fall
2009 will be made soon.  I have created this \
temporary listserv to communicate with you between 
now and when the results of the admission review
process will be made available.

We have received several calls from applicants
wanting to know the status of their application. 
We ask that you wait until the admission 
results will be made available to all which we
advised applicants would be in late April.

This year we will post admission decisions to
the applicant login/status page that many of you
have used.  That way you will have 
the results as soon as the decisions have been made. 

As soon as a firm date is known I will be sending
an update with the date that the admission results
will be posted to your individual, 
confidential accounts on our secured server.

Until then we ask that you hang in there and hold the calls.  
Decisions have not been made yet and cannot be given out
over the phone.

Best wishes,

Graduate School.

{so some of this was edited to remove
personal email addresses.
i just keeping waiting.}

... acceptance or rejection is absolutely ridiculous.

And completely terrifying.

And apparently all consuming. I used to do other things than obsess about this.

If I get in, I have to figure out how to pay for out of state, graduate tuition. I have to figure out how to move to a city I can't afford to live in. I have to move all of my belongings one state down and almost one complete state over. And I get to own it. I get to own the fact that I made it into a highly competitive program.

{I have to learn how to use public transportation ...}

And if I don't get in? If I don't get in, I have to own it. I have to tell people I didn't get it in. I have to face it myself. I have to live here for at least another year, in a town that continually breaks my heart and disappoints me, before I can apply again and apply to more than one school.

I check the mailbox every day. Its own religion. If it's a little early in the day, I check it twice, just in case the mailman was running late. I check my email at work 30 billion times a day - quickly in and out - waiting for the "we sent the letters out" notice. I answer The Question with, "No ... no, haven't heard back yet."

Just like most things, the not knowing is the hardest part. How do you prepare for what you don't know?

... completely like all of us ...

On January 25th, my newest roommate came to join us.


Yes, she's that perfect. Yes, I'm that in love. No, she's not keeping me up at night and YES, it will be so SO hard to leave for grad school in the fall (pending acceptance). Miss Madelyn decided to make her grand entrance four weeks early and came out in three pushes and 7 hours of labor.

She's changed dramatically in the eight weeks she's been on the outs. Her cheeks are filling out, her little fingers are pleasantly plump and her belly is developing a roundness that is impossible not to touch.

We talk about things, Miss Madelyn and I. I have to impart what I can in the next few months.

The two jobs have kept me amazingly, amazingly busy.

I have my hands full with training and supervising new staff, have had back to back termination trials and have had report after report due. {According to federal law, when children are taken into foster care, parents have one year, give or take, to successfully complete parenting services and make necessary changes. When that does not happen, for whatever reason, the district attorney, general attorney's office, prosecuting attorney's office [whomever - it changes from jurisdiction to jurisdiction] will file a petition to terminate the parents rights. No matter the situation, it is ALWAYS hard.}

And the grad school application is turned in! {Actually, it was turned in in January, and yet I won't find out until the 3rd week of April ...}

There's a few things I would have liked to have done in the past 3 months. I would have liked to have blogged more. Read more. Gone skiing. Or just slept in. Was it really just four months ago I was surfing on the North Shore?

Can I go back?