understanding (n.)

You get serious about God and He gets serious about you.

Ok, maybe I've misspoken. He's always serious about us.

One of my favorite things about God? He's not afraid of my questions. The more challenging, the better.

One of my other favorite things about God? The mystery.

My dear friend Angela is a campus pastor (maybe that is not her exact title, but it is part of what she does) at an engaging, intellectual, question-asking college campus in the Vineyard Town. We were having a delicious little chat this afternoon and my Facebook Fast / Social Justice / Jesus ponderings came up. She said, "Not like you don't have anything else to read (o, Jesus help me ... of course I do ...), but you need to read Shane Claiborne."

Ang thinks about these things. Her students think about these things. Her husband thinks about these things. Her friends think about these things. She has an adorable 12 month old, and I'm pretty sure she thinks about these things too.

God may want to answer the questions we have.

I googled Shane Claiborne. I've ordered one of the books. I'm waiting.

What does it look like to step outside ourselves and really, truly, without reservation, love the people we're around?

I recommend looking here, and here, and here. The last one I threw in there for you public radio listeners.

I have some things to chew over. Lent is gradually coming to a close and I will not have all the answers I think I want.

I am looking forward to the final Lent posting. I have some things to share. Some of them make me looking pretty darn shallow, immature and full of hubris. Fun times. Stay tuned.

Right.

I left the Vineyard Town because it was time. The plan had been set into motion; Shoes and I had not begun dating when I decided to leave. Strange times.

Lucky for me, Shoes thought the This that is Us was worth it. He has come through in a million different ways, been ever faithful in calling, texting and visiting. (Spell check, by the way, does not recognize "texting".)

It's been a year and a few months for us. We were reluctant daters at first, and it had nothing to do with our feelings for each other. It had more to do with: Is this ok? I'm attracted, but is this the right person? I'm leaving for grad school, and I'll continue to do so, so where does that leave us? I'm not really in a hurry to get super serious about someone; last time I did that, it didn't turn out so well. Shoes has had his fare share of serious relationship mishaps. We're almost 32. It happens.

We joke now that it would have been easy for Us to have never have happened. But it did. And now we cautiously use code words for the future. As in, will I be returning to the Vineyard town after school? Is there somewhere else that would be a better fit ... for both of us?

I will not be returning - there is no reason for me to. Shoes has taken a job in his super serious field in a different county, waaaaaay up north in Almost Canada. It's a good fit for him. I'm excited to see how his career develops.

Selfishly, it is a good fit for me. I've loved Almost Canada since I was in junior high school. Just the thought of visiting up there in that breathtaking country is enough to make me giddy.

Shoes has 2 more weeks to wrap up his time in the Vineyard Town. He's looking at rentals, but he's also looking at houses. He says to me quietly and very unassumingly, "I know you don't want to come back here. And I'm doing this for me. But. I'm also doing this for us."

This self sacrifice, maturity, generosity? I'm not sure what to do with it.

But I'll take it.

almost.


one paper (yes, all sources used. all cited. and triple checked they were cited appropriately).

one small group presentation that went down in flames and left me in tears for most of the night afterward. one more time i had to let go of the "grade" and hold on to what was truly learned (macro lessons, here, macro).



one poster session, to be presented to both SSW cohorts.

one additional mini micro-theory paper.



and one rooftop dinner at Departure downtown with Shoes, who is kind and wonderful and frustrating and amazing all in one breath; who drove down to visit with me for one night before continuing on with his weekend (big changes for us coming ... details to come ...); who tells me we can return to this wonderful place whenever I'd like; who is so ridiculously supportive and forgiving sometimes I don't know what to do with him.

and, soon, very soon, one large exhale forthcoming.

My co-worker Rachel, whom I share a tiny, tiny office with, and whom I think is a fantastic girl, tells me I'm "water" according to my birthday.

When I asked her what that meant, exactly, as I'm all Western-y and Jesus-y, not Eastern-y at all, she gave me A Look and said, "Emo. You're emo. All sensitive and serious."

She and the other girl I share the office (we're really crammed in there ...), whom I also love, are fire.

O, I wish I could be fire.

Too serious too much of the time, I know. It's kind of a problem. Even my hairdresser, Jacob, asks me "WHY?!" all the time.

As in, I say, "I really want an internship next year at Hospice" (and I really do), and Jacob responds, "WHY?! That's so DARK and DEPRESSING." Jacob has fun.

I had fun once. I think it was a year ago. I went to Hawaii. That was fun. Shoes is fun. A little serious like me sometimes, but that's probably why we get along so well (snaps for us - it's been over a year now.) Social Work school is, well ... you know, it's fun when we laugh at ourselves in class, but it's pretty serious.

As I was praying this week, even GOD asked me why I never took a break. Sigh.

Spring break is coming.

That seems like a good time to figure out something fun to do. Unfortunately for me, this is probably going to take a bunch of thought ....

Is not something I’ve observed before. This is a multiple layered story with multiple parts. We have to take a few rabbit trails, but I promise to pull this posting back around to Lent by the end. I promise.

As part of a faith community, I’ve observed spiritual fasts before – primarily abstaining from certain foods – in order to follow after the heart of God. But I’ve never had a reason to observe Lent. I love my brothers and sisters that do – please be clear on that. Maybe if you put all of us together, with all of our strengths and expressions, you’d get a more complete picture of the heart of God.

This year, however, can I be honest? This year I’ve struggled. Hugely. A war raging in my heart with my faith – the one thing that’s been so solid all these years.

The faith that I’ve had for years isn’t waning, but it is digging down and growing some roots. That’s painful, folks. And what God has been asking my heart lately is, “What are you doing to take care of my people?” As in, “What are you doing, practically, to take care of my people?” Can I take the focus off of my “relationship with God” and “what God has for me in this season” and put it where He’s asking me to? As in, James 1:27 – “Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble …”

Or how about this? Matthew 19:21 – “Jesus said to him, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor …”

Or this – Acts 2:44, 45 – “Now all who believed were together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need.”

We have great luxury, dear hearts. The fact that I’m on my laptop, getting frustrated about this, and in a minute am going to go to a Starbuck’s to get coffee to continue my schoolwork means I have great privilege. I may be transitionally poor, counting my pennies and wondering why, financially, I decided to return to school, but I had the luxury to return to school. Seriously. To get a Master’s, for Heaven’s sake.

How many homeless people do I pass every day downtown (ironically on my way to social work classes), as well as hungry people and people without health insurance and people who need drug and alcohol treatment? It makes my head spin and, quite literally, creates this terrible, ripping, stabbing hurt in the middle of my chest. No exaggeration there – I see the need and it physically hurts.

And then I look toward the church, my place of worship, my once place of extra support, and the emphasis I hear is on our personal relationship with God. Please don’t get me wrong. That’s important. But no more important than taking care of other people. And I’m talking about all people. People who think the same as we do, and people who don’t. People who respect our faith, and people who don’t.

So here’s the part where I get a little personal with you.

In Oregon, not so long ago, there were some Measures to be voted on. Some pretty controversial measures that would have created additional taxes for some in the State and would have increased revenues to public schools and public programs. Technically, I’m still registered to vote in Washington, so I didn’t fill out a ballot. But I’m sure you can guess which way I would have voted. The negativity raised around those measures, however, and the emphasis on not giving up personal resources nearly ripped me apart. And hand in hand, enter name calling and disrespect. Even if one did disagree, I’m still wondering what the purpose of creating such a divisive split among voters was. As in, why, in the church, did we feel it was ok to feel we had the market on complete truth around voting processes and opinions? Didn’t God create us all individually? And if I felt deeply convicted to vote for these measures, and others did not, did that truly mean I missed the heart of God? Really? And where did the source of this negativity spring from (besides individual people)? Facebook.

Enter the period of observing Lent and fasting from Facebook. I need to figure out why I’m so different than people in the church and be less concerned about logging on and being grieved in my spirit every time. I need to figure out if I belong in a different denomination. I need to get closer to the heart of God and a little farther away from sources of negativity. I need to listen for myself what God is saying about all of the millions of Americans that go without. Everyday, in some way or another, millions of Americans go without. God didn’t have us prove ourselves to Him to receive His grace. I don’t believe that we need to make people prove that they’re worthy to receive resources. Subjectively, in my own personal opinion, I don’t think that’s how God would have us treat each other.

In trying to think of a way to end this posting, I find myself struggling. I wonder if there are like-minded people out there. I can name six faithful followers off the top of my head. Six. If I think of people who don’t prescribe to a particular faith belief but are passionate about the needs of people, I can think of … well. Let’s not play a numbers game, I guess. It’s significantly more. I don’t pretend to have the market on all things right or virtuous. I just know the concerns that exist in my spirit and can name six other believers with the same concerns. Do I keep looking for like minded people or do I just continue on? Do I continue in a “denomination” I struggle with or do I search for something new?

Don’t know. Guess I’ll just keep doing what I think I’m supposed to.

clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding;

freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity.

(What I'm seeking right now).

Right now? Right now school is hard and things are busy. Papers and projects are due, small groups must be met with (and I'm meeting small groups with mixed success, coincidentally. Turns out, graduate school was not an immediate guarantee that we all wanted to be there and we are all taking it seriously. As one of my group members says (con.stant.ly), "I hate this stuff. I'm here because my work is paying for it. I know what I need to know."

Really? Because I don't know hardly anything - even after 10 years in the field. Especially after 10 years in the field.

O, but we won't really get into that.

So I'm working on finishing up this term, battling a terrible cold, and I started a new job right before Christmas, working as an administrative assistant in a Very Large Hospital in Shared Resources. I'm not sure what all that means yet, but I do know that I can bill significantly more for mouse intestines than I can for the entire mouse. And cryopreservation?

Fugheddabodit.

That'll run you $1500 a pop.

All of these billings, invoices, grant applications ... wow. Never thought I'd be doing this. And to tell you the truth, the jury's still out. I miss working with people. I miss working with kids, especially.

Is it a drug? Am I addicted? Or do I just not like the mandatory learning curve that's taking place because for the first time in years I haven't been able to hit the ground running?

Also something I'm seeking clarity about.

And then there's the FaceBook fast ... I gave up Facebook for Lent (and despite previous spiritual fasts, this is the first time I've formally observed Lent), and I'm seeking clarity there too. But that is a story in and of itself, so I'll save that posting for next time.

Now, onto my final End of Life and Palliative Care project, to be followed up with more research on my final Micro-theory paper.