understanding (n.)

I have about 3 different posts in draft form.  I write.  Edit.  Leave.  Come back.  They're still not ready.

It's been awhile since my last post.

I'm in that crazy space right now of evaluating where you are.  Not you, reader, personally.  I don't know you and don't want  to evaluate YOU.  I need to evaluate ME.   The move to rural E WA.  How the job is going.  My own personal development.

Did you know I work 50 hour weeks?  Sometimes more.  Sometimes I work 36 hours straight.  Sure, you get a nap in at night in between crisis calls during those 36 hour shifts, but it's:  Do 10 hours of individual therapy, cover overnight crisis (which might be stone silent, or it might be a full moon/end of the month combo), and then do another 10 hours of individual therapy.

Do I like this?  Is it getting me where I need to be professionally?  Are there perks to doing this?  How is affecting my time with my family?   I am beyond beyond beyond lucky to have a partner that is wholly supportive of everything I do, so I'm not worried about the relationship between the two of us ... but I am mindful of how this might be affecting him.

I have some silly personal goals.  Wait.  Hold on.  See?  There I go again.  They're not SILLY.  They are balanced, but I feel like I should apologize when I name them.  I'm doing a 5K Mud Run in July.  I'm doing a 5K Obstacle Run in September.  I want to learn how to play the violin.  Where I am right now?  I come home, make dinner, and fall into bed.  Somewhere the living is not being lived.  I do not want to have my entire life center around my work.  I want that balance of bringing my personal best to the job, feeling spiritually connected to the work, and then having my time with my family be my time with my family.

I have time to write this right now because I have been stopped dead in my tracks by a terrible Monster of an Upper Respiratory Infection.  The temporary slow down has been good for me.

Taking stock.
Writing out some Pro and Con lists.
Thinking.
Allowing some dreaming to happen.
Getting ready to take some risks, possibly.

That's healthy.

Feeling guilty because I'm not at work, even though I can't breathe or talk?
Not healthy.