I'm going to have to re focus a little bit on this blog. How on earth did I have so much steam to keep going in 2006 on the MSN blog and WHY am I so LAZY now?
This is where we are with grad school:
I am not nearly, not a little, not even remotely done being absolutely ELATED with this recent fantastic news in my life. And you'd think I'd have a little more humility when the people I respect most affirm my acceptance with, "Wow. The on campus program? That's a highly respected school." But. I cannot not grin with glee. It's my over-achieving nature.
I just accepted my financial aid award letter .... OUCH! Out of state, graduate tuition is the PITS!! I received enough to cover tuition and fees only ... and will be working quite a few hours during the week (I have no idea where yet) to cover living expenses. But. It's so worth it. Next year I'll ask the University to pretty please re examine my residency status and there will be so many more scholarship opportunities as a returning graduate student. I'm also going to hope against hope for a graduate assistantship at some point ...
Next weekend, I'll be going to Portland with my sister Cheryl (who ALSO got accepted - into an undergraduate program - yay her!) to do fantastic and frustrating things like look for apartments (or potential neighborhoods in the city) and learn how to ride the MAX. We have already decided that living downtown is definitely not going to be an option ... although there is such an allure to it ...
That's right. I'm 31 in 2 weeks and have no clue how to ride the MAX ... or even a bus line for that matter ... I guess that's what I get for living in rural Eastern Oregon and Washington for the past 13 years.
MSW new student orientation is the first week of July.
The County has {somewhat forcefully} asked for a letter of resignation ... but not because they're displeased with my work. Rather, they'd like to know what time frame they're looking at to re hire my position. So, County, we will part ways on August 21st.
And I hope to be out of here by the first of September.
I absolutely cannot describe what a relief this move is or how ready I am. This Vineyard Town's luster faded almost immediately in 2007 when I knew that I had to leave everything this place has come to represent. I received Former Husband's last financial payment a week ago, and it's just one more piece of the Great Release.
I've quit my 2nd job waiting tables and am spending these last 10 weeks or so here with the people I adore. Last night my roommate and I watched a few episodes of The Bachelorette (I know, I know ...) and as I was holding Miss Madelyn Happy Pants, I realized how TERRIBLY I am going to miss her.
Such a doll. But we do catch her doing some pretty weird things, too.
I'm pretty sure we were not trying to startle here right here. Sometimes ... she just does things like this.
There will be LOTS of Madelyn time this summer before I leave ...
... of a guardian ad litem. What could be better? What could be more relaxing? What could make more sense?
8:00 In line for coffee and the barista can't find the toasted marshmallow syrup. This could be bad. Looks like I'll be late again.
9:00 On the phone with a counselor for kids. Right. I completely agree. Too much pressure on this kid, we need to back off. We're not disagreeing, I promise you. We're both saying the same thing, we're just coming from different
angles. A meeting? Sure. Just let me reschedule about 4 other things and we'll have a meeting.
10:00 Court scheduling. The 2 desk calenders and the planner battle it out. Keeping the master court calender for 20 volunteer staff and 160 foster kids is no match for me, though. Wait, was that ... did they really just schedule 3 dependency hearings on the same day at the same time in 2 different courtrooms? What the ...
11:00 New kids into foster care ... at least they're physically safe now ... even if they are completely traumatized by being removed from the only thing they know ... and the frosting on the cake is little one's statement, "Can I please just have a family that wants me?" Yeah. Not kidding.
1:00, 2:00, 3:00 Volunteer training. This is domestic violence. This is mental health. This is how a kid moves through the foster care system. This is how you foster your own resiliency. You must foster your own resiliency.
4:00 Lead a cognitive behavior therapy group for the teens in juvie. Yes - you're right - hubris can be what we experience right before we get locked up. It can lead to thinking you're above the law. Kid, I've never heard you say that before. Where did you get that insight?
{And the bonus for us that aspire to pay for out of state, graduate tuition ...}
5:00, 6:00, 7:00 Wait tables.
And 8:00 the next morning? In line for coffee ...
... this weekend is spring release wine tasting. {Although, I very much think this is what I
should be doing.}
Vineyard town is stuffed to the gills with tourists, but I, ha ha, I know the out of sight, tucked away, treasure cellars to visit during this busy weekend. Maybe I'll come back for fall barrel tasting.
Instead of sampling the cabs,
merlots,
syrahs, ... I will be waiting tables, teaching Sunday School, making a hurried trip down to Oregon to see my dad (who is sick, again, this time with heart failure), and hurrying back for an extra shift at the restaurant. It is the weekend that is not a weekend and the busy-
ness will resume bright and early Monday morning when I draft a response to a Very Unhappy Letter I received from an area counselor (a letter that degraded the system for not returning some foster children home to some biological parents. A letter written, unfortunately, without any
collateral information about this family in question). It's fine. I'm just not a person people want to mess with when it comes to children's safety.
To balance this out with some good news, however, I have had one case successfully end in reunification recently (
yay!) and another little guy be adopted (
yay again!). Kids in foster care breaks my heart. They so need permanent families.
And I'll continue to hope for good news for my dad. He sees the specialist this week, so hopefully we'll know a little bit more about his heart condition. He man's been continually ill, with something or another, for the past several years, but he continues to hang in there.
... a couple of short breaths.
The email says: results have been posted. Go to the applicant log in page to find out. I logged in incorrectly twice ... and then was afraid I was going to get locked out and have to wait for the snail mail acceptance / rejection letter.
It's not just: Did I get in?
It's: Is there something better for me out there?
It's: Am I stronger and better than the past 2 years?
It's: Has the work I've been doing for the past 8 years accumulated to anything?
It's: My Lord, I've told a lot of people I've applied.
It's: Does God really have a plan for a life I barely recognize anymore?
It's: Yes.
It's: Congratulations.
It's: Get ready for more change.
It's: Thankful. So incredibly thankful.
... I am so very peaceful I think my soul will burst from quietness. And that is a very good feeling.
Right now, I'm blogging.
But as I'm blogging, before and after, I'm cooking my dinner of fish and asparagus. I'm reading The New Yorker. And I'm drinking a glass of Sangria.
For reasons that completely escape me, I'm not focused on how I missed my exercise class because I got caught up at work. I'm not thinking about that Very Hard Family Meeting I will have to have tomorrow at the Child Welfare office. I am not thinking about why I still haven't heard about graduate school yet. I am not worried that the steroid shots I've been receiving are not working on my frozen shoulder.
{These are things I normally think about.}
Instead, I am thinking about much I love fish, asparagus and Sangria. I am thinking about how completely and totally in love with my three month old roommate I am and how I get to have her all to myself this Saturday. I am thinking about a lovely trip to Calgary I will be taking this fall with a dear friend. I am concentrated on the breeze that's coming from the open door and settling on my bare legs.
It's happy.
... just keeping waiting. Below is a rather well
written letter from the grad school in question.
I don't fault them. I just need to be patient.
Too bad being patient takes so much time ...
Hello!
As you know, the admission decisions for fall
2009 will be made soon. I have created this \
temporary listserv to communicate with you between
now and when the results of the admission review
process will be made available.
We have received several calls from applicants
wanting to know the status of their application.
We ask that you wait until the admission
results will be made available to all which we
advised applicants would be in late April.
This year we will post admission decisions to
the applicant login/status page that many of you
have used. That way you will have
the results as soon as the decisions have been made.
As soon as a firm date is known I will be sending
an update with the date that the admission results
will be posted to your individual,
confidential accounts on our secured server.
Until then we ask that you hang in there and hold the calls.
Decisions have not been made yet and cannot be given out
over the phone.
Best wishes,
Graduate School.
{so some of this was edited to remove
personal email addresses.
i just keeping waiting.}
... acceptance or rejection is absolutely ridiculous.
And completely terrifying.
And apparently all consuming. I used to do other things than obsess about this.
If I get in, I have to figure out how to pay for out of state, graduate tuition. I have to figure out how to move to a city I can't afford to live in. I have to move all of my belongings one state down and almost one complete state over. And I get to own it. I get to own the fact that I made it into a highly competitive program.
{
I have to learn how to use public transportation ...}
And if I don't get in? If I don't get in, I have to own it. I have to tell people I didn't get it in. I have to face it myself. I have to live here for at least another year, in a town that continually breaks my heart and disappoints me, before I can apply again and apply to more than one school.
I check the mailbox every day. Its own religion. If it's a little early in the day, I check it twice, just in case the mailman was running late. I check my email at work 30 billion times a day - quickly in and out - waiting for the "we sent the letters out" notice. I answer The Question with, "No ... no, haven't heard back yet."
Just like most things, the not knowing is the hardest part. How do you prepare for what you don't know?
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