i debated briefly about the benefits/risks of spelling out the name and drug class, but due to my mandate (see legal issues above) to put nothing on here that could be suggestive of diagnosis or treatment of others, i'll refrain. (it's a highly personal decision that's not for everybody.) for the next two weeks, i'll have assistance putting me to sleep and dealing with the intense, intense feelings of being overwhelmed to the point of shutting down.
so far, it's helping, although i did notice last night i woke up a few times. initially, it was a relief to sleep through the night (although, ironically, many studies have shown that these medications do not actually help you sleep through the night; you wake up just as often, but you don't remember the waking. it's a psychological trick.)
i've noticed a difference in the way i physiologically react (or thankfully, haven't been) to bad news. i notice myself having worrisome thoughts and while i wait for the intense fear response, nothing comes. so i move on. it's almost as if my brain has permission to move on.
do you know how nice that is?
the real cure all to all of this would be to not try to graduate, find a job and plan a wedding all at once.
the other cure all would be to have a magic wand that instilled manners and courtesy to all.
i will pay somebody $1,008,287,924,923.99 for that wand.
one of the side effects to the medication is slight disinhibition. while i wouldn't say i've been rude, per se, when people have provoked, i will say that i definitely don't feel the anxiety from the social interaction and have been able to hold my ground in a much more articulate manner. one of the other side effects is feeling slightly sedated, which makes it a little difficult to get in the groove of paper writing. (the psych did tell me it would "slow" me "cognitively".) for right now, in this very moment when i have too many things, and too many emotions, and too many people wanting different things from me, that's ok.
this is a time limited venture, after all.
i knew this season would be hard.
i did not know it would be this hard.