Just a little bit of *very* personal business here ...

I got to write a VERY large check to Former Husband today {using the fruits of my table waiting labor}. This is a long story, but by The End, I was just at the point where I would have done anything to expedite the long legal process. In fact, I remember saying {in complete desperation, knowing that I could not go any further} at the time, "I will give you anything you want. But please, please let me out of this marriage." {Dear hearts, please remember that this was after every desperate measure I could possible think of ... and the heinous behavior still continued.}

So I've been giving. For 14 months. But as I wrote out this Sizeable Sum, knowing that next month's sum will be tiny, do-able and, most importantly, final, I wept.

How many times have I wept in the past two years? It could be its own version of "How Do I Love Thee?" I've wept in pain, in desperation, in confusion, in betrayal, in depression, in anger, in exhaustion ....

... but also in relief, in prayer, in worship, in hope, in love, and, of course ...

... in Thankfulness. Sheer gratitude is why I wept tonight. Because as of next month {ironically, the "anniversary" month of the finalization of the big, bad, D word} I have absolutely no legal ties to a past that I've let go of. Does that sound heartless? It's not my intent. I've just healed, and been healing, healthily.

I have this incredible expanse of ... I don't know what ... stretching out in front of me. And for that, I am very, VERY thankful.

In other news, I read an article on cnn.com that stated research has now proven that sharks can produce asexually. Flipping fantastic. More shark phobia!


{I'm not entirely sure why I keep adding photos of shark to this blog when they seriously scare me to death. That's probably not normal ....}

6 comments

  1. Chelle on October 15, 2008 at 10:40 PM

    I am so totally in awe of how Jesus has and is carrying you through such unfathomable pain. And how you have let go and allowed Him to love you and heal you.

    And I have a feeling that God has great big, wonderful things up his sleeve for you.

    Love you so!

     
  2. meg on October 16, 2008 at 11:17 AM

    Not heartless at all- just heathly & hopeful, which is what your deserve.

     
  3. Sarah's Blog on October 16, 2008 at 12:21 PM

    I think.. you are amazing. I love how you have handled the entire situation. I wish I was closer so I could be there praying with you and crying with you. AND of course trying to make you laugh until you pee your pants. That is what I do best!
    PSU will be PERFECT!!!!we will have lots of GIRLIE time together! Growing older with Malaika. If you ever need to come up and visit campus or meet with anyone you can stay with us! LOVE YOU!!!!!

     
  4. Lisa on October 16, 2008 at 5:00 PM

    Just for the record, Sarah has never made me pee my pants. Close, but not quite.

     
  5. Sarah's Blog on October 17, 2008 at 4:53 PM

    I guess I should have said "wet the bed" ... it's ok to admit it Lisa. We will not think any less of you.

     
  6. Sarah on October 20, 2008 at 9:30 PM

    Oh, I'm sure there was a tiny piddle here and there. Very natural. Consider these checks the cost of freedom - and more. You are amazing.

     


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