understanding (n.)

Through the course of this past year, I have been asked and asked and asked, "You're doing so well with all of this, Lisa. How are you doing it?" I cannot believe I'm writing this, but I'm coming up on one year since the separation. Where did all those days go? Wasn't it yesterday that I was crumpled on my bathroom floor wondering why time was going so slow and how I was ever going to feel normal again? I don't remember getting off that bathroom floor, but I'm here. I'm not there anymore. Something's happened in these past ten months. {Ten?}

It wasn't yesterday, but here's my truth: Some days I do not do it at all. Some days I hide in my little apartment and think about the rejection and do not do anything. {Ok, actually I do do something: I weep.} But here is what I know. God shed light on a terrible, terrible situation and He gave me a choice. He said, "You can stay. And. I release you from this marriage. It's your decision."

But the things I had to learn ... I had to learn what resting in grace really means. I had to re-learn the amazing promises of God. I had to go back to my prophecy tapes and listen and re listen and re listen to the words that God had spoken over me. I had to believe in faith that by separating myself from a situation where my health was so gravely at risk, I wasn't forever ruining my chances of a Godly marriage and having my own beautiful children ~ my heart's true desire.

I had to come to the knowledge deep down in my heart and spirit that it wasn't God who rejected me at all. Rather, I had to surrender my own fears to Christ and let Him tell me that.

I still have sad days, but the God that I know now is so much more real than the God I knew before. {I probably would have chosen to find this reality a different way, though! ;)} This summer I'll be turning 30 {quiet sigh}. I had pictured things a little differently for this stage, but I know I'm not outside of God's will.

A week ago one of my good friends asked, "When are you going to start dating again?" My response? "I have no idea. That's scary." But when I took it to God that night in prayer, my Spirit began to get a little happy.

This past year, the people I know have been watching me a little like they would a car wreck: you don't really want to look because you know it's Very Bad, but there's a part of you that just needs to see. It's not lost on me: people are looking at me to see what a Christian will do in this situation. Most of the time, that scares the crud out of me ~ so many people have been so hurt by hypocrisy by just a few in the beloved church. But, I know that God is showing them what renewal looks like in a life of a person who loves Christ ~ the flip side of that, of course, being ... look what God can do for your own heart. I've bit my tongue and not said a few things I really wanted to say, vented to a few good friends ... and then forgiven. Even in the beginning of this Terrible Thing, I knew that God would be asking me to forgive my former husband and former friend. That was hard to swallow, but I did not want to be bitter. Not at all. I wanted to give these things back to God and get healed. {Why do I need to hurt more by not forgiving?}

So I say, let them watch. And I also say, God, spotlight's on You. I have had amazing conversations with precious women that center around our relationships with men. There have been chances {already!} to tell them about how at 30, I'm re-surrendering my life to God's will, and how although I have no idea what this next stage is going to look like, I'm content waiting for the right time to move forward. I'm ok with it being me and God.

I also get to build Godly marriage up and say honestly and without hesitation, "It is one of the biggest blessings ever." I truly believe that. Before Former Husband made the decisions that he did, I had never, never been so blessed.

I'm not entirely sure why I wanted to share that on this Wednesday and I've changed my mind 20 times in hitting the publish button. But, as well, in the past two days, I've had this exact conversation multiple times. Don't know what it means, but I can take a Holy Hint. I guess I just feel like something is shifting, once again, in my Spirit and wanted to publicly declare it. So, renewal blessings on all of you, as well.