I just googled it.

They do.  http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Do-Stupid-Things-When-Im-Tired/139677.

I'm doing things like leaving the milk out.   Not remembering where I put the pistachios.  Starting the Keurig without the cup underneath it.  Washing the same clothes twice.  Losing my keys when they're in my hand.  Reading an article and the next day be unable to discuss it in class because I don't remember a thing in it.

I said an internal cuss word when somebody laughed and said, "You don't know tired until you've had kids" but thankfully managed to not respond otherwise.

You don't know I don't like invalidating statements like that.

My 14 hour days and little sleep at night (because I wake up multiple times already in the process of thinking about how I can change a paper, a new intervention to try with one of my clients, an email I forgot to send ...

... and suicidal grade school children ....)

 .... these things guarantee that I do truly know what being tired is.

Yesterday my co-intern looked at me, bewildered, and said, "Why do I feel like graduate school is causing me to approach everything in my life with half the effort I would normally put forth?"

Because it is, darling.  And we are doing the best we can.  Because there is not enough in any one person to approach their partners, families, jobs, internships, classes, research (we all have these) with 100% effort.   All those things don't add up to 100%.

So I don't return phone calls.  Or texts.  Or emails.  I do homework on a sidewalk on my HP Mini if given any 15 minute time frame.  If given 10 minutes to myself, I disappear into an other-worldly zone where I stare off into space.   Taking care of myself is missing right now somewhere in the tornado of school, no sleep, work, Easy Mac and Starbuck's Coffee.

I take deep breaths.  And am thankful for the things I can control.  (Like what shoes I am going to wear that day.  Good thing my shoes don't need to be washed.)  I send gratitude out for the smallest of successes and rejoice in the loveliness that is a healing kid.  I send funny texts to Shoes about almost stepping in the pee of a urinating homeless man on the street (he was hiding the process with a blanket, for which I am thankful).  I gather support from anywhere I can take it.

I'm a bit of a support addict right now.  I went through a phase where I was bitterly disappointed that people I am close to don't ask how it's going or how school is, but then realized how much energy that was costing me and gathered my supportive people to me all the more closely (they're probably feeling suffocated right now.)   Somebody once told me that that's one of the costs of being a high performing overachiever.  You do so well people don't think you need the tender love messages that are concerns for your well being.

But listen to me ramble.  That's also part of the exhaustion.  And now, there's no more time to ramble.  I had 15 minutes; I chose to use it on this post that probably makes no sense.  Now, it is off to the ADHD lab to conduct clinical interviews with families.

Cause it doesn't stop.

It's all lovely, but it doesn't stop.

Correction:  the homeless guy's pee was not so lovely.

4 comments

  1. Katelyn on November 2, 2011 at 9:04 AM

    Wait, wait, wait... you have a Keurig!!!? Is it amazing?

    I love you! You're amazing, and I'm in awe of all that you do, seriously! I think you have a tremendous amount of strength, perseverance, selflessness, and a love for others. I hope you can find some time to breathe and take a day for yourself soon because I do not want you to go completely crazy. Please do not join that homeless man on the street...

     
  2. Lisa on November 3, 2011 at 1:20 PM

    @Katelyn - thank you, dear heart. I don't think there's enough room under the guy's blanket for both of us, so I think everybody's safe. Phew! And I do have a Keurig and I do love it alot. The only thing I don't love is how expensive the little cups are ... but if I'm not buying lattes, it's still cheaper ....

     
  3. AandW Drive-Thru on November 17, 2011 at 5:56 PM

    Somebody once told me that that's one of the costs of being a high performing overachiever. You do so well people don't think you need the tender love messages that are concerns for your well being.

    LOVE THIS! As in... I can totally relate and a lightbulb just went on in my head!

    I'm just now getting caught up on your posts from the last month... we have been so busy. We're on our third set of visitors since Baby Orange Soda was born. My laptop died and was in the shop and now back after a 3 week hiatus!

    But, all this just to say... you can do it Lisa! And thanks so much for sending me a little FB note that you got the baby announcement. I mailed nearly 100 announcements and you were one of 3 or 4 people to even say they received it. THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking a minute in your crazy world to let me know you got it. HUGS!

     
  4. Lisa on November 17, 2011 at 10:01 PM

    HUGS to you, W.! Enjoy your visitors and your family and I hope that things slow down for you a bit in the upcoming weeks!

     


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